Here we go again.

Let me reiterate for you all. I am a jerk. Do not try and tell me so, I already know. I'm doing the best I can, so get off my back. I live my life according the standards and principles that I consider worthy. I do not live according to the likes and dislikes of anyone, including my father. (although I do live according to his timetable) Do not try to change me, I am quite all right with where I am now.

No one can say that I do not try to be a good person but I have faults like everyone else. Do not judge me by standards that I don't accept. As you can't compare apples to oranges, don't measure me up against someone I don't try to be. As a matter of fact, don't judge me by any standards. Just don't fucking judge me at all.

*sigh*

Hell with you people.

Goodnight.

*sigh*

I would do what I could to help her. She needs somebody who will be there for her no matter what. I'll just do what I can when its needed, I guess. I don't know how this one will turn out.

Is it possible to cheat on someone you're not going out with? If you've never gone out with them? Say I have 2 possibilities. Do i take the one that I know better, but lives 320 miles away, or do I go with the person I've known 4 days, but have a better chance at an actual relationship with?

I don't like my chances here. I have a feeling I'm damned no matter which way I turn.

Definitely didn't expect today to happen.

Allow me to elaborate.

I thought I was going to spend the day at my house, doing the same old boring shit. The possibility existed that the same boring shit was to be done with Joe, at one of our houses. Man, was I wrong.

Instead, I went out and test rode a 2002 Yamaha YZF-R6. Incredible bike. After which, I got to spend the better part of 4 hours walking around Park City with a very intelligent and beautiful girl named Lindsey. I look forward to getting to spend more time with her. As it turns out, she's bored out of her mind almost as often as I am, so I would assume that would give us at least a few reasons to hang out. As we all know, 'tis better to be bored in groups than be bored alone.

My life just keeps getting better.

Well.

I feel that I am missing something in my life. As of right now, I'm not sure what.

Maybe its a girl. I doubt it, though. I'm more at peace now about the opposite sex than I have ever been. I still maintain control over my feelings for the most part. I don't go crazy over a girl anymore, (ahem...Kristen comes to mind) I'd rather not be with someone at all unless its really going to mean something. (Chelise, Mindy, Blair)

I have a decent job. I hate it, but that's what a job is. I make good money for somebody in my position.

I have no car, but that is a situation that will soon be remedied. I'd prefer a bike, but that might as well just happen next year. I really want one right now.

And I have my art. I just got a Daily Deviation, which made my week, but beyond that, what is there? I'm not making any money off of it, as fun as it is. Its still great to do, and I don't know what I'd spend my time on otherwise.

It would seem as though my life is for the most part in order. I'm basically content with what I have, although there are some aspects of my life I could use to have cleaned up. I dunno what it is with me.

Wow. I got a Daily Deviation. Now its my turn to post all the stats.

The DD's for today, as well as mine:

Cog Circle by ~jeffsimpsonkh, July 20, 2004: 97C, 53F, 1386V, 1451D
Drift by ~nuformz, July 21, 2004: 220C, 426F, 2429V, 2645D
Huddled by ~signalbox, May 9, 2003: 191C, 187F, 4646V, 3448D
Shadow Bug by ~mcfaker, July 21, 2004: 104, 103F, 1620, 1432D

"Drift" blew them all away. The only one that I didn't beat for views was "Huddled", and that one has been around for over a year on deviantart, collecting stats from one of the better photographers there. I must say I was quite surprised by the Daily Deviation.

10. "Scattered f#$%ing showers, my ass!"
--Noah, 4314 b.c.
 
9. "How the f#$% did you figure that out?"
--Pythagoras, 126 b.c.
 
8. "You want WHAT on the f#$%ing ceiling?"
--Michaelangelo, 1566
 
7."It does so f#$%ing look like her!"
--Pablo Picasso, 1926
 
6."Where the f#$% are we?"
--Amelia Earhart, 1937
 
5. "Any f#$%ing idiot could figure that out."
--Albert Einstein, 1938

4. "I need this parade like I need a f#$%ing hole in the head."
--John F. Kennedy, 1963
 
3. "Where did all these f#$%ing Indians come from?"
--General Custer, 1877
 
2."Aw, c'mon. Who the f#$% is going to find out?"
--Bill Clinton, 1997
 
1. "What the f#$% was that?"
--Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

Back.

Saturday night, I was with Emily until about 1:30 in the morning, and after that I started driving. I started, my 320-mile drive, at 1:30 in the morning.

Well I got home in about 5.5 hours, which is about an hour faster than anyone else has ever done it. It could possibly be because all I stopped for was to get batteries for my CD player. Or it could have something to do with how I averaged about 70 mph for the whole trip. Most of the time, my dad doesn't drive faster than 70 at all.

Well I got home at about 8:00 in the morning. (the extra hour and a half was spent taking pictures of the beautiful sunrise.)

That was all on Sunday morning. Now I think its Tuesday morning, although purely in a technical sense. Just got done watching the Butterfly Effect, which is a sweet movie by the way. Go watch it.

Oh, and I have to write a letter to somebody too.

Spineshank- Height of Callousness

I feel so down right now. Maybe its cause I just smoked 2 Blacks in a row, and I've never done that before. But I think its more likely that I just have shit on my mind. I'm sure you all can guess what that is.

I'm thinking way too hard about Emily and I. The advice I got when I came up here was, "Keep it fun, don't get attached, and you'll be fine when you come home." Yeah, well, it didn't happen. I had lots of fun, but I got attached, and sure as hell won't be fine when I go home. Is it even smart to be thinking about Emily and I as "us"? I dunno. Probably not. She is incredible though. I'd hate myself if I let some amazing possibility between us slip away.

Now my head hurts. God damn it. Why do I have to care so much? Why does the only girl I could see myself with at all have to live across the state? God is playing games with me, I know it. Maybe I'm supposed to be learning patience. I want to care, but I don't want the hurt that goes with it.

All I can say that helps me is that I know if we are supposed to be together, if we are really meant for each other, we will be.
814-873-6174

Want an update?

I'm out for a bit. I'm gone from Lancaster for this whole week, and I think it will do me some good.

I'm visiting my grandparents in Erie, and its nice to move at a much slower pace. Kind of a time to clear my head of some things I was thinking too hard about. Unfortunately, this also means I can't be there when someone I know could use some company.

I've been hanging out with Emily every day, and I wish I'd be able to for longer than a week. God, the end of this week is gonna suck. She's so amazing. I dunno how it could possibly work out between us, but I can say that I hope it does. She's not the kind of person I can let slip through my fingers. I'd be a fool to not hold on to her as long as I can. Its gonna be hard to go home and not see her again for a long time.

There.

There's your fucking update.