Hello, i am the big grey box at the top of the screen.

Once, i used to be a very important integral part of this blog. Once, i used to proudly display the name of my creator, and welcome all who laid eyes on this page.

However, months of neglect have left me worn and dead. No longer does my face boldly manifest itself, no, now i sit here in a dull blankness.

My only real freind is the little red X that adorns my upper left hand corner. He never speaks to me, and he never changes. Kyle seems to enjoy the little red X more than me... he keeps him around.

Somewhere the bright, happy part of me still exists. Maybe on a hard disk, or a CD-R. Or perhaps i am forgotten forever...

and all of you don't care. Nobody yells at kyle for neglecting the banner at the top of the screen.




You all suck.


I hate my life.

All I want to do right now is sit down and talk to her. Everybody knows by now who it is. I'm reluctant to go out on a limb and actually tell her exactly what I'm feeling right now, because unfortunately, I don't trust her. She's lately been working really really hard at severing all ties with me, and I'm not liking it at all.

In the last month (to the day) that we've been apart, we've had all of about 2 actual conversations. I don't want to reveal everything I'm thinking and be a complete ass if she isn't thinking the same stuff. I really want to stay friends at least, because if I'm not good enough to be with her, then maybe I'll can at least be just a friend.

At the same time, I want to leave open the possibility of us having something again in the future.

Again, on the other hand, if she really loved me in the first place then we wouldn't have broken up. The way I figure it, if you're in love with somebody, then why do you want to break it off so you can go do other stuff and not feel guilty about it? I never even thought about anybody else, because I had everything I needed right there. Why would I want to look for something else when I already had what I wanted?

I would still get back together with her, really without even a question. For god's sake, I was ready to pack up all my shit and move blindly to California to be with her. I never had a plan, so it didn't matter to me at all. I was ready to give up a lot if I needed to. I can't even get a straight conversation out of her though. Every time I try to bring us up and talk about it, she changes the subject or suddenly has to go.


Come on. Isn't losing the only person I ever felt this way about punishment enough?

I know who it is.

I didn't trace her IP or anything fancy like that, but based on the language usage and some other recent events, I know exactly who it is.

Don't worry, I'm not still mad about what happened with Joe. I can't for sure remember the fiance's name but I think it was Ryan. Give me a call and we'll chat a bit.

Well I've definitely been driven to post more in here than I have been in a long time. I wonder why that is.

*scratches head*

I wish I knew who this anonymous person is that is putting stuff up in my shoutbox. I think I have an idea, maybe an inkling, but not quite a thought of who it might be. Oh well. We shall see if she chooses to reveal herself or not.

I need to quit this.

All this pounding the shit out of my own head and beating myself up and down for it all is driving me insane.

Wait a minute, wasn't I crazy before? If so, then maybe after all this is over, I'll be normal.

I've been a wreck. I want my Queen back.

Twice as much time has passed since the last post. I have fully realized after the conversation tonight that what is done is done. There is no going back and there will never be anything again. Let me reiterate a few things for the record:

1. I loved her more than anything else in my life. I would have given up my art, my motorcycle, my everything for her if that's what was asked of me. There was nothing I had that I was not willing to give.

2. I tried my best at this one. Just like the last serious relationship, I did everything I knew of to make this one work. I am not a perfect person, and I'm the first to admit my own faults, but there is not one person that can tell me with absolute sincerity that I didn't do my utmost.

3. I was no bad-guy. I have no idea how a man should treat a woman. All I have is my own split parents to look at and no clue how I should act. I may not have been perfect, but one thing is for certain. This is that I treated you the best that I knew how.


And you know what? Everything I did, or didn't do, or worked for, or tried so hard at, in the end means nothing. I have less than what I started with. Sure I have what I learned about relationships and women and all that, but all the time and effort and money I put into this relationship means nothing anymore. There is nothing left of us, but I can't bring myself to get over it. Through our entire relationship, I have never been able to see myself with anyone else, nor have I seen her with anyone else.

The thought of us not lasting forever never even crossed my mind.



This post is missing something...

Oh yeah.

FUCK.

It is done.

As of 1 week, 2 days ago, it is over.

and I have never been this lonely in my life.