All I want to do right now is sit down and talk to her. Everybody knows by now who it is. I'm reluctant to go out on a limb and actually tell her exactly what I'm feeling right now, because unfortunately, I don't trust her. She's lately been working really really hard at severing all ties with me, and I'm not liking it at all.

In the last month (to the day) that we've been apart, we've had all of about 2 actual conversations. I don't want to reveal everything I'm thinking and be a complete ass if she isn't thinking the same stuff. I really want to stay friends at least, because if I'm not good enough to be with her, then maybe I'll can at least be just a friend.

At the same time, I want to leave open the possibility of us having something again in the future.

Again, on the other hand, if she really loved me in the first place then we wouldn't have broken up. The way I figure it, if you're in love with somebody, then why do you want to break it off so you can go do other stuff and not feel guilty about it? I never even thought about anybody else, because I had everything I needed right there. Why would I want to look for something else when I already had what I wanted?

I would still get back together with her, really without even a question. For god's sake, I was ready to pack up all my shit and move blindly to California to be with her. I never had a plan, so it didn't matter to me at all. I was ready to give up a lot if I needed to. I can't even get a straight conversation out of her though. Every time I try to bring us up and talk about it, she changes the subject or suddenly has to go.


Come on. Isn't losing the only person I ever felt this way about punishment enough?